Uninspired

Am I uninspired, or just lazy? Which is the chicken, which is the egg? Do they amount to the same thing?

Need work, money, something like stability. Not wanting to re-invent myself. The last thing I feel like doing is assembling resumes. There are three sources of actual earned income in my life lately, besides what I cadge off Mom: writing, scouting for books, and teaching. Not one of them do I feel passionate about at the moment, for various reasons: I've gotten good at all three, but I've also established just how unlikely it is that any of those paths will amount to much in the long term, just more of the same water-treading. It feels a bit like a waste of time to devote more energy to any of them, actually, except I don't know what else to do, and I need cash to live on. All three lead to occasional flickers of satisfaction - but only occasional ones, y'know? And the money I make goes quickly...

I have a free afternoon but, feeling uninspired, I kind of just want to squander it. The most likely thing that I'll do is head out on a scout, which is also the thing least likely to amount to any meaningful financial return, and certainly it won't lead to a long-term solution to my money worries. It won't even lead to much of a short term solution: I can't remember the last time I found anything on my runs worth more than $10.

Oh, no, wait, I can. But it was something like five years ago, when I found a signed Allen Ginsberg item at a thrift store (!). I don't think I'll find anything like that today.  

But I'm not teaching, and I can't find the tape I was thinking of transcribing, so I gotta do something besides sit around the apartment. Maybe if I take a nap, I will wake up more inspired?