Some favourite vulgar novelty tunes

So I'm teaching ESL again, and looking for songs with references to the family - to practice family vocabulary (Aunt, Uncle), but also personal pronouns ("my," "your," etc). There are some good ones, but not all of them are level-appropriate. I tried Randy Newman's "My Country," but the humour there is a bit sophisticated for ESL students: Newman follows in the steps of the great Ray Davies, piling on both affection and scorn, making a "my country right or wrong, but mostly wrong" kind of song, mocking America and yet identifying as an American at the same time. I actually tried it, and can't say I got the response I'd hoped (though the pronouns were useful).

Since traditional versus non-traditional families are a topic of conversation, I considered MDC's "My Family is a Little Weird" (rhymes with "Daddy wears a dress and Mommy grows a beard"), but it probably has some bad language in it, and it's a little, uh, fast.

Dar Williams' "The Christians and the Pagans" is a great song, with lots of family vocabulary, lots of pronouns, lots of interesting themes, and - because it is about an unconventional, cross-faith, reconciliatory Christmas dinner, quite seasonally and cross-culturally appropriate, revealing things about the values of our inclusive current society - except the sentiments in the song are so touching that I can't help but weep like a baby when I play it. I am going to use it, but I am making it an optional homework assignment, so the students don't see me cryin': I've directed them to the song, removed the pronouns and family nouns from a transcription of the lyrics, and provided a few multiple choice comprehension questions to boot.  

In the back of my head all along, however, humming rudely, is Mojo Nixon's "Tie My Pecker to My Leg." It's a post-Skid Roper gem, off Mojo's underappreciated Whereabouts Unknown. It has, uh, plenty of family vocabulary. Unfortunately, it's all themed around barnyard incest (with a bit of bestiality and coprophagia thrown in for good measure). And Mojo tends to drop his pronouns, treating family nouns as names ("sister.") It's completely unusable in class, but it gets stuck in my head, and I find myself singing along with it despite myself. My wife hates it when it's been coming up on my playlist, because I'm walking around singing snatches of THIS to myself:

"Tie My Pecker to My Leg," by Mojo Nixon 

Me your momma and some other whore
Floating down the river on a shithouse door
Gonna tie my pecker to my leg, to my leg
Gonna tie my pecker to my leg 

Dad's going steady with a pig in a barn
Grandma's getting down with an ear of corn
Tie my pecker to my leg, to my leg
Gonna tie my pecker to my leg 

Watching mom shave her pussy really gets the kids hard
Grandpa's trying to fuck something in the front yard
Tie my pecker to my leg...

Sister is getting rich on her 900 number
Four dime diddly bop given her best dog a hummer
Tie my pecker to my leg... 

Reddog (Solo) 

Well I'm a big dick daddy and a fuckin' fool
Eleven years old and I went to pussy school
Tie my pecker to my leg... 

Yeah, her asshole is tighter then a steel drum
Hell I'd eat a yard of her shit to watch her cum
Gonna tie my pecker to my leg... 

Ah, Simon (Solo) - put your headphones on boy! 

You only live once, so off with them pants
Hell ain't for sure, it's only a chance
Gonna tie my pecker to my leg... 

Yeah, my gal's so fine, wanna suck her daddy's dick
If you saw my poontang's face, you wouldn't give me no lip
Gonna tie my pecker to my leg... 

Woke up this morning with a case of stinky finger (belch)
Last night I must have been the designated drinker
Gonna tie my pecker to my leg... 

I need a woman, six foot ten
She's gotta be that tall so I could get it all in
Tie my pecker to my leg... 

Everybody solo...!

Yeah, me your momma and some other whore... 

Anyhow, Mojo got me thinking: what are my favourite other rude ditties? The ones so catchy that they get me singing the lyrics for a few days afterwards? Erika sure knows the next one: "Blinded by Turds," as recorded by Oscar Brand, found on more than one of his many "Bawdy" novelty albums. Also not usable in class! (I will use none of this in class. I swear!).


Incidentally, I first heard this song covered live on a DVD by the Meat Puppets (as "Wonderful Song").

"Blinded by Turds" by Oscar Brand 

There was an old lady who lived on Lint Street
Her passage was blocked up from too much to eat
She took stomach pills without reading the box
Before she could strip, turds were flying like rocks. 

Chorus:
Toorala, tooralay
A rolling stone gathers no moss, so they say
Sing along with the birds
It's a wonderful song but it's all about turds. 

She ran to the window, stuck out her ass
Just at that moment a cowhand did pass
He heard the strange noise, so he gazed up on high
A mighty big turd hit him right in the eye. 

Oh he ran to the east and the west
When a further consignment arrived on his chest
He fled to the north and he fled to the south
When a bloody big turd hit him right in the mouth. 

The next time you walk over Flatriver Bridge
Look out for a cowhand asleep on the ridge
His chest bears a placard, whereon are these words:
"Be kind to a cowboy who's blinded by turds."

It's pretty innocent (and hell, it is almost Chaucerian!), and it touches on folk traditions like rugby songs and rude sing-alongs, usually as practiced as a bonding exercise by groups of men - but there's certainly nothing seasonal about it. I bring it up just as a rude song that I'm fond of - but you would figure there would be more vulgar Christmas ditties out there! 

What about my friend David M. (of NO FUN's) "Christmas is a Sad and Lonely Time?" I was singing it to myself all through my wife's office Christmas party last night. But only when no one was in earshot!

"Christmas is a Sad and Lonely Time," by David M. 

Christmas is a sad and lonely time
So you better drink your Christmas wine
Grab a razorblade and chop a line
Of hokey cokey from Peru 

Hire a prostitute and do not pay
Thank her for the complimentary lay
If you're still alive on Boxing Day
Bang a hooker in your room 

(Repeat, but slower - ideal for a listening exercise!)
(Then repeat again!) 

(Alternate verse on The Five Wenceslases)
Christmas is a sad and lonely time
Eat your Oxycontin, you'll be fine
Use them useless tears of salty brine
Come and urinate and poo
Take a dump atop your Christmas tree
Dream about the penitentiary
If the pigs don't come and you're still free
Let's be lights against the gloom
Sad and lonely folks like you and me
Bangin' hookers
(A cranberry-saucy turkey hooker with no dressing at all!)
In your sad and lonely, sad and lonely Christmas room...

Definitely gets in your head. Even Erika was humming it a little last night (which she never does with "Tie My Pecker to My Leg" or "Blinded by Turds." She just rolls her eyes and remembers being single when I get those songs stuck in my head).  I like that it speaks to the experience of being isolated during the Christmas season, too. David has suggested he MIGHT NOT DO a Christmas show this year, but I hope he's just teasing. 

The final favourite vulgar tune of mine is a recent discovery. With apologies to the Dayglo Abortions' "My Shit Stinks" and Ween's "Piss Up a Rope" (and the Fugs' great "Wet Dream"), I think if I was going to pick one other vulgar, funny tune, only recently discovered by me (and as far as I know never officially released, though it does circulate online), it would be Victoria band the Salty Seamen's "I Shit My Pants." It does speak, alas, to what I believe is a universal experience, albeit one seldom discussed in public (which, you know, is kind of a criteria of a great song, one that captures an experience you can identify with, that no one else has ever sung about quite exactly the same way before). I imagine someone with more trouble with incontinence than I have would not find this funny (it is a rare day indeed when I crap myself - often involving stomach flu and an ill-timed fart/ sneeze combination - for which I am truly grateful).

"I Shit My Pants" by the Salty Seamen (NOT the Fugs, as has been mis-stated). 

(Fart sounds)
I overdosed on flakes of bran
And now I couldn't get (fit?) into the can  

I shit my pants
I shit my pants
First the gas, then the pain
Now the spreading chocolate stain
I shit my pants
I shit my pants

I felt a surge down in my bowels
I'll wipe my ass on your brand-new towels
I shit my pants
I shit my pants 

I got constipated so I took Ex-Lax
And blew some crap into my slacks
I shit my pants
I shit my pants 

Ahhh...

I shit in my pants
I shit in my pants
I said I shit, I shit right in my pants
Yeah 

I ate some cheese as a last resort
It left a skidmark in my shorts
I shit my pants
I shit my pants 

I'm so embarrassed, everybody knows
I never take in my own clothes
I shit my pants
I shit my pants
I shit my pants
I shit my pants...

The quest for usable family-centered songs continues... meantime I leave these here for whatever vulgar amusement y'all might get out of them.