Monday, February 13, 2017

HMV closeout, plus The Last Heist DVD review

People poking through the ongoing HMV closeout - as of this weekend, DVDs and Blu's have joined CDs and LPs at 20% off - might encounter a cheapie DVD/ Blu-Ray called The Last Heist. It's a crime thriller in which Henry Rollins plays a serial killer who collects human eyeballs, who is visiting his safety deposit box at a somewhat shady bank on the very day that a gang of heavily armed men and women raid it, as part of a somewhat complex heist. The DVD is only $14.99, and with the closeout in effect, that might seem like a good idea to some of us - for those of us who still have fondness for Henry, who revered him once and who haven't jumped off the bus given his success. You might even think, hey, He Never Died - where he plays an immortal, bingo-playing cannibal killer - was pretty great, so maybe Rollins has finally found his niche as an actor? I mean, how can a movie where Henry Rollins plays a serial killer who cuts out and collects people's eyeballs be all bad?

It isn't, actually, but allow me to give you a word of caution here, folks. Between his controversial Calvin Klein billboard and The Last Heist, I begrudge Hank the billboard less, because his presence on that billboard was not enough to beguile me into buying anything by Calvin Klein. He's free to take the money if he wants, as far as I'm concerned, as long as the money he's taking isn't mine. His top billing here was the only reason I shelled out cash on this thriller - because, sorry, how can you NOT want to see a movie where Henry Rollins cuts out people's eyes? Unfortunately, it turns out he's the only good thing in it (and he's only onscreen for about a quarter of the film). The dialogue is awful (or should I spell it offal?). The special effects are barely competent, with phony looking rifle flares and empty eyesockets that are VISIBLY achieved with black paint on actors' eyelids (you can still see their eyelids!). The plot is so trite and fomulaic that at about an hour in, I picked up my cellphone and played a puzzle game for every scene when Rollins was not on screen, because a) I could follow the story just fine and b) I couldn't have cared less. In fact, the filmmakers might have had the same problem, because everything that happens in the film not involving Rollins plays like a contrivance designed to kill time until the next moment that Rollins is on the screen. Once the blood starts spurting, Henry is fun, plays the role with verve - it's a way better performance than some of the other piece-of-shit B movies he's assented to act in, like The Devil's Tomb - but, I mean, seriously caveat fucking emptor here, friends. If, having been warned, you STILL FEEL THE NEED TO SEE THIS FILM - and I don't blame you on this, because, like I say, Henry Rollins as a serial killer who cuts out people's eyes is a hard thing to pass up on - just comment below, and as long as you pick it up off me at a time and place of my convenience (Vancouver/ Burnaby area), I will flat out give you the DVD. You'll like it that much more for not having paid money to see it. Hell, then you can do fellow Rollins fans the favour of passing it onto them, when you're done, and save THEM the expense. Get some good karma going here...

As for the HMV closeout, there were still some cool DVDs and Blu's  to be found if you dig. Langley wasn't worth the trip, but Metrotown and Coquitlam still had some good titles, including the odd Scream Factory or Arrow (do you NEED a C.H.U.D. upgrade? Might as well get it at 20% off). Haven't been downtown or to Guildford yet, and might not bother. The way the bones are getting picked clean, you'd almost forget that physical media is dying; I don't blame the employees, facing rapidly approaching joblessness, for being a bit embittered about the whole experience. It's too bad people weren't still so enthusiastic about shopping there before they went into liquidation - it's the same old story from when they closed their Robson Street flagship.

Whatever you end up buying, though, seriously think twice about The Last Heist.

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