Sunday, September 14, 2008

Creem and Masturbation! (I almost forgot)

Oh my God! I almost forgot! (It was a long time ago). Creem, from 1982! I masturbated to the photos of Joan Jett in Creem when I was 14! (Sorry, Joan, but it's true! I actually am quite fond of your music, too, though I don't believe I currently own any. Do you still do "Do You Wanna Touch Me There," or does the story of Gary Glitter's last few years take the fun out of it? I enjoyed watching you do karaoke with Ellen deGeneres! It was very playful and sweet of you to do that! And you were my favourite part of Light of Day!).

That I ever used Creem (Creem!) as a stroke book is deeply amusing to me. (I would like to posthumously thank Yukio Mishima for his candor about arriving at orgasm while looking at pictures of the Martyrdom of St. Sebastian, or I would likely not be exploring this line of thought so enthusiastically and publicly, y'know?).

And GOD what an influential issue of Creem THAT was for me, for I believe - I *BELIEVE* it was in that issue that I first read about Sonic Youth and the Minutemen; and it looks from the cover that it may have also turned me on to X and Fear. All thanks to masturbation! (By the way, this is all a follow up to my "Role of Masturbation" post below should you have missed it). It's true that I sometimes bought rock magazines to read about rock music, even at 14, but MY EVEN OWNING THAT ISSUE OF CREEM had everything to do with the picture of Joan on the cover. And the pictures of Joan therein, one of which showed her walking on the beach in a tight-fitting red top. Yum!

(The leather outfit above is misleading).

For the record, I am still stunned by how sexy Joan Jett is. Doesn't that woman age? Does she bathe in the blood of virgins, or something? (Or, perhaps, the semen of virgin males?). She's only ten years older than I - I guess she turned 50 this year - but I have never seen her not look great. Though I would not NOW jerk off to photos of her, it would be disrespectful, and perhaps, given what I assume is her sexual orientation, distasteful to her. I was 14, Joan! I masturbated to advertisements of women in bras, to, except I didn't get anything out of it!

Thanks to YOU, Joan - I discovered about Sonic Youth! The Minutemen! Fear! X!

Eat your heart out, St. Sebastian!

1 comment:

C Hutchins said...

I am under the impression that Joan Jett is a lesbian, so I'm guessing her ceremonies to retain usefulness would involve female virgins.