Like the title of the under-sung Polish vampire film says, I Like Bats.
If I was a Bat
By
If I was a bat, lord, if I was a bat
I'd eat lots of mosquitoes
Til I got really fat
I'd come out in the evening and fly around so free
If I was a bat, would you still love me?
If I was a bat,
I guess I would be blind
to all your imperfections
or at least I wouldn't mind
I'd hear your voice ring clearer
for all I could not see
If I was a bat, girl, would you still love me?
Eep eep eep eep
Eep eep eep
If I was a bat
I'd fly by every night
I'd hang outside your window
Til it started to get light
Then I'd creep into your attic
And sleep so safe and sound
If I was a bat, would you let me hang around?
If I was
If I was
If I was a bat
If I was a bat
How would you feel ‘bout that
That's a bat drawing by Erika's Mom, Linda, made in 2017 as part of a wedding gift to my wife and I. That's when the song as we now know it came into the world.
Unless my timeline has gotten scrambled, I had proposed to Erika before discovering that I had tongue cancer -- which manifested as a sort of chancre on my tongue that did not go away, bled, and was quite painful at times. When biopsy results came back positive, I was in a panic. The doctor who I was referred to, who has cut out parts of my tongue on four occasions now, is a bit of an old school look-and-see type; rather than subjecting me to tons of testing to determine the size of the tumour -- which would waste time and allow the cancer to grow and spread -- he scheduled surgery as quickly as possible, with the intent of just cutting into me and finding the cancer thus (removing a margin around the affected area when they could then test: if the margin was free from cancer, he'd know he got it all).
All of which made sense to me, but a result was considerable anxiety: would I awaken with no tongue? Would I be able to speak? Would I be able to kiss my wife? I had followed Roger Ebert's blogging when he was losing more and more of his vocal tract to cancer, and kept track of Christopher Hitchens decline due to the same sort of cancer, squamous cell (which he died from in 2011). My terror was palpable. And somehow, my worry that I would be transformed into something I could not recognize, and my fear of the impact that would have on my relationship, brought the song back to mind. Would my wife still love me if all I could say was "eep"?
To document my voice at the time, I sang my version of the song in a Youtube video. Those of you who know me only as having a speech impediment may find it interesting to hear my "old voice." As I explain in that video (I think), Erika and I re-arranged our wedding plans, so we could get married before my surgery, that the latter not impact the former; our wedding was a rush job, held at a golf course banquet hall in Duncan, BC, in March of that year.
This was a very meaningful thing for me: my history with M's band, NO FUN, is long and not bat-centric enough to bear retelling here, but I had also liked them since childhood, having both the 1894 cassette and the Snivel box when they came out in the mid-1980s -- in addition to the Vancouver Complication, on which they feature, and the "Don't Leave Me Hanging/ It Came from Heaven" 7 inch -- so it meant something to me to have someone whose music I had long enjoyed play a song I wrote, even if his version was surprisingly different! Various friends of mine were present to hear the first performance of the song. But it took on a life of its own, and has remained in David M.'s setlists since, with me eventually invited up onstage with M. to perform the tune. I have "flown the bat" and joined in on background Eeps on a few occasions now:
Further enriching the story, David's friend and bandmate Pete Campbell (of the Sweaters and Wardells and Pink Steel, who I also have a long history with) did something delightful at the Princeton, surprising me by having his current band, Coach StrobCam, work up an arrangement of the song that followed my original tune (I had no idea he was going to do this, though I believe the recording there may not be the first performance thus). M. also wrote other variants -- "The Bat Variations," if you will -- some of which you will be able to hear next Wednesday at the gig I have arranged to mark the 20th anniversary of this blog, also featuring Coach StrobCam and several other friends of mine, oft mentioned on this website.
But there is much more to the story, with a US label, Atomic Werewolf, steadily releasing NO FUN's back catalogue into the world, "If I Was a Bat" now exists on 7" vinyl and CD, on the Eep Eep Eep Eep EP. This marks the first time that a lyric of mine has appeared on physical media. Copies of this will be on sale at the gig, thanks to Atomic Werewolf's Kent Lindsay (interviewed here).And of course there will also be music (and other merch, including, possibly, copies of the first-ever vinyl pressing of NO FUN's 1894. The cover artist, ARGH!!, will be present, likely with merch of his own. This version of 1894 has been re-imagined slightly for vinyl release, but looks terrific, and is also not going to be around in vinyl for very long, so fans of NO FUN are encouraged to take action ASAP.
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