TMI alert of the highest order. If you do not want to read about bodily functions… turn back now.
So – having just woken up – I’m urinating, and it seems
like a normal stream of urine, and all is fine.
Suddenly I feel something happen in my penis – a small
subtle blip.
My urine breaks into two streams. The main track is still hitting
the inside of the bowl, to the right of its previous center-course, but now,
there is a brand new second stream, 30% of the flow of the previous full
stream, that has DIVERTED ITSELF and is spraying “to my left,” because I can’t
even see where it is landing at first. Over there somewhere!
Suffice to say, I am somewhat panicked that this is happening. I’m shifting my hips trying to make the two streams one, or at least get them both in the bowl at the same time, but they’re about 70% off from
each other, and the only effect that trying to get the leftmost stream into the
bowl is having is to get the rightmost stream (the far stronger flow) outside of
the bowl on the right. Auggh!
This is embarrassing, even to one who is, thank God, alone at home (except for the cat; I don’t notice him until later, but he may have watched this whole sad show. Luckily he did not try to “help.”) I'm shifting around awkwardly in my shorts, bouncing and backstepping and jiggling, doing what I guess you could call a riverdance, and now also trying not to step in puddles of yellow as the flow continues. I try to “fix” matters by arresting my flow (an internal, urethral suck-it-in-and-flex that is not particularly easy to make happen, since one doesn’t have to do it often) and tugging and, well, waggling to loosen things up. Maybe there’s a blockage? I’m doing this very quickly so that I can release my flow again pronto; slurp in/ tug/ jiggle/ resume three or four times, but each time the flow resumes, it’s still a two-headed, double-necked giraffe, grazing at trees far apart.
Eventually, before I run out (of urine, that is, not as in "run out of the room"), both strands more-or-less reunite and I get a few seconds of normal urination in, to calm me down before I reach for the paper towels.
And yes, I swear, I cleaned it all. Just as I was starting the work (find the puddles; mop up the puddles; apply cleaner; mop again), I realized that the kitten was behind me, watching, possibly for the whole time, from a comfy spot (like I say, it's better than his having tried to help). Fistfuls of paper towel and spray bottle in hand, I sent him out and closed the door.
He continued to try to get back in for awhile. He knows
where the show is.
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