My Current Plenty of Fish Profile

Currently running under the title "Of boob shots, self-contradiction, & the internet" (if more space were available to me, that last bit would read, "& the erotic life of Ernest Borgnine"):

Ah,ladies. Such odd creatures you are. Less tediously single-minded than we men, I know, but still... I wish I'd kept a count of PoF profiles I've seen by women who have placed themselves in the "Intimate Encounters" section then included a proviso that the man emailing them "must not have contacted anyone about Intimate Encounters or sex." It always reminds me about the Woody Allen line about not wanting to belong to any club that would have someone like oneself for a member. Seldom do such blatant contradictions occur in nature: smoke from frying circuitry could emit from a man's ears from just trying to contemplate such things...

 ...and then there are the women who are looking for a long term relationship while posting enormous boob shots of themselves on their profile, sometimes as their main picture (and often also imposing the "no sex" filter mentioned above). As much as I love a good boob shot, just for the record, unless you REALLY HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO LEAD WITH, ladies - unless you have no personality, wit, natural charm, or so forth with which to spice up your profile - a boob shot in a "long term relationship" profile likely says one of three things to most men, no matter how horny we may be: that you have a very low opinion of MEN (ie., you figure we're all just horny morons who will do anything for anyone if the boobs are big enough); that you have a very low opinion of yourself; or that you are very, very lazy. Exceptions exist, but in most cases, this is where men will go, unless maybe you look like Don Rickles, in which case, boob shots are forgiven and not a bad idea. Otherwise, since no man in his right mind would want to get serious with a woman with a low opinion of men or herself - or with someone who is very very lazy - you will likely attract only three types of men with such a profile: predators who want to take advantage of you, the broken and desperate, or people as lazy and without character as you've made your own profile seem... In all cases, a recipe for disaster and disappointment, if what you really want is love.

 None of this applies, I must emphasize, to any horny women out there in PoF-land who are advertising their assets for all to see, because they want a quick lay, a discreet affair, a FWB, or an online masturbatory partner with typing skills, or such. In these cases, by all means, stick your boobs out there, it makes perfect sense and will get you exactly the sort of attention you seek. YGG, and all that. Boob shots are also, I should add, entirely forgiven if part of an overall aesthetic that warrants them (Goth/metal/punk girls especially - if you're covered in tattoos, dressed in leather and fishnets, have ambitions to succeed as a burlesque dancer, and your idea of a dream man is Lux Interior, by all means, stick those mammaries out there!). For all you STRAIGHT girls, though - you lonely, normal ordinaries looking here for love, 'specially if you're over age 25 - heed my advice here, and do NOT bare any significant portion of your cleavage and hope to attract a man who is actually serious about you, who might actually want to be BE with you long-term. We just aren't MADE like that - honestly! For a SERIOUS MAN, what you have under your bra is VERY VERY FAR DOWN THE LIST OF THINGS HE'S LOOKING FOR IN A LIFE PARTNER, after common interests, compatible values, a sense of humour and an interesting character. Hell, even good hygiene and adequate spelling come before bra capacity, on my checklist; if you have a huge chest, but spell "truly" with an "e" - regardless of where you put it - just see how far I'm willing to go with you... If you want to attract a solid, sane, intelligent, and well-grounded male as a mate, who actually takes you seriously and treats you respectfully, then for your own sake, WRITE A PROFILE THAT SPEAKS TO SUCH A PERSON. Save the boobs for later. We adult males have a pretty good sense of what boobs look like and can wait to see yours, if you actually interest us.

Of course, we men are not without our contradictions, as well. You might want to bear in mind that when you encounter him online, even said serious man may be masturbating, or considering it, or just wiping up, or such, because (alas) unless he has some computer-oriented job or such, if he's single, that's probably what he's doing at least half the time he's on his computer, including when he's on dating sites. As frustrating as it is to be corralled by endlessly, mindlessly, brainlessly horny men, be prepared to forgive him that, okay? Or to simply ignore it: because the internet happens to be a vast autoerotic paradise for us guys (see, in this regard, the South Park "Over Logging" episode). Even the most serious and committed of us, unless he's getting laid regularly or is deep in the grips of some weird new age philosophy about saving his seed as a pathway to enlightenment or salvation (- a definite minority of men and probably not who you're looking for as a partner) masturbates a few times a week, and odds are (unless he has a very large stack of magazines under his bed and a very slow internet connection, OR has a vastly less visually-attuned sexuality than the average man) is probably doing his masturbating in the very chair where he is seated when typing “hello” to you (presuming he has a desktop). You can’t escape this, you can’t deny it, you can’t avoid it - so find a way to play past it. Hell, even Ernest Borgnine, in his 90s, has said that the secret to his youthfulness - look this one up online - is that he masturbates a lot, AND HE'S IN HIS 90s! (I wonder what he masturbates to? No, cancel that thought. Just as well not to know. But I’d lay odds that whatever it is, he’s finding it online. YGE!).

Do NOT make the mistake of presuming, however, that because a man is horny, is in the Intimate Encounters category, or masturbating when you find him online, that he's not capable of or interested in a relationship. This is a very common mistake, and the reason "no sex" filters are foolish indeed. If a man is approaching you on that level, what it really means is, he didn't really see anything else in your profile that interested him besides the prospect of sex. Take it not as a comment on him - because he may be approaching women OTHER THAN YOU about long term relationships. Take it AS A COMMENT ON YOUR PROFILE. He probably saw the boob shot, yawned, and thought to himself, “well, there’s nothing much going on HERE… but I wonder if she puts out?” Are you catching on yet? The secret to attracting a serious, interesting man is, be serious and interesting yourself. (Are you familiar with the concept of GIGO?) You want an exceptional man, put some work into being exceptional yourself, and make your profile exceptional, too. Appealing as your cleavage may be, it may just be the WRONG BAIT, depending on what you're looking for.

 End rant!