Saturday, May 30, 2015

Failure to Produce 2: Emission Accomplished

So I posted awhile ago about the difficulties I experienced trying to submit a sperm sample for fertility testing. Once you negotiate the phone system ("press 1 if you have had a vasectomy") and made an appointment on one of the labs that receives sperm samples (which are few-and-far-between, with appointments often booked well in advance, so you may have to wait a bit, especially if your own schedule is complex), you then have to actually come up with a sample, ejaculating the whole thing into a plastic jar and sealing it in a bag flatteringly labeled "biohazard." You can't have ejaculated for two days before the sample is taken, and you MUST have ejaculated at least once in the week before that. Oh, and they want the sample within fifteen minutes of it shooting out of you, ideally, and kept nice and warm, so the sperm has maximum motility. No lube, no adulterating substances of any kind. I got through most of that once before, only to discover that it was no easy job ejaculating on command with my girlfriend present and an open jar awaiting me. I couldn't make the appointment that day - I couldn't do it - so I re-booked (for a place near Lougheed Mall, which had a space for a Saturday drop-off) and, earlier today, tried again.

I succeeded! I elected, to circumvent any self-consciousness, to just buy a dirty mag (Penthouse sure looks like crap these days - I remember the vintage years when they were kind of artful and sofr-focus and appealing) and take it with me to a public restroom close to where the sample was to be delivered. I'm not sure what it says about me that I can be less self-conscious jerkin' off in a toilet in a men's room, with men crapping and blowing their noses on either side of me, than with a naked woman whom I love cheering me on on the bed, but - even with the crappy quality of the mag and the somewhat disgusting circumstances - I managed to shoot a rather meager puddle of goo - beginning, middle and end - into the jar, seal it up, and get it to the lab on time. I reported to my girl by phone, when I had success, that "the 'hard' part was over." Now we just have to see what the results are.

I'm expecting, frankly, that my sperm count will be low, or they'll be sluggish, or malformed, or something. After all, my parents were married for ten years before I was conceived, and they were both Catholic, so...


Mr. Beer N. Hockey said...

I keep returning your site Al so it must be pretty damn good. I do not know what I like you writing about best - movie nights with your cool mom, hanging in Van, your dreamy dreams or your jacking into a jar epics.

Allan MacInnis said...

Thank you, Beer!